How can I communicate more effectively? The phrase ‘the art of communication’ is widely used, but few seem to grasp just how difficult an art it is to master. Each and every day, you see people interacting and assuming that communication is happening – “the greatest myth of communication is that it occurs”, said George Bernard Shaw.
Unfortunately, we tend to equate quantity with quality when it comes to assessing communication effectiveness. The truth is that, for all of us, our ability to communicate is a greater area for improvement than we might like to admit. Few people readily accept that they are not good communicators but, if this is the case, then:
- Why are there so many breakdowns in our daily lives in communication?
- Why are there so many communication related issues, especially in a work context?
- Why are there so many misunderstandings and disputes?
- Why do two people often hear the same massage, but end up with two differing perceptions of what is meant?
Communication is seen as a natural activity, something we learned as a small child and, perhaps, this is one of the problems; there is a mistaken belief that, because we do it all the time, in every facet of our lives, we must be good at it by now. Sadly, what happens to too many of us is that we communicate all the time but a lot of what we do is such bad practice that we steadily get worse, not better. This may seem harsh – but it is true. How can I communicate more effectively?
The content of your message is provided by the words you use – the physical component of the message – whereas the context is delivered by your tone and body language, which define the emotional element of that message. For example, If your boss is screaming and yelling at you, are you’re really listening to what he/she is saying? No, more likely, you are thinking to yourself “who does she think she is ? “or “ I don’t get paid enough to have to put up with this”.
Whatever you are thinking, you are not listening to your fall potential because the context of their message overshadows the content, preventing real communication from taking place. To become an effective communicator, you always must strive to ensure that the content and context of your message are in alignment. How can I communicate more effectively?
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Aligning the context with the content
Although improving the content of your messages is relatively straightforward, managing the context of your messages is more challenging. This is because your tone and body language are emotional-driven and, at times, even sub-conscious; as a result, it is very difficult to control, never mind manage. This is why it is usually in a context that people fall down.
Managing the context of your message more effectively depends largely on your ability to remain in control of your emotions and to be assertive. People who are assertive make better communicators; it is as simple as that. When you lose control, either by becoming overly aggressive or passive, this comes out through your tone and body language as the table shows How can I Communicate more effectively?
| Passive | Assertive | Aggressive | |
| Tone of voice | Quietly-spoken
Obviously nervous Overly apologetic Soft-spoken | Firm
Calm Clear | Loud
Raised Shouting |
|
Words | Talking around the subject
Avoiding getting to the issue/ waffling Overly apologetic in choice of words Qualifying everything you say | Concise
No waffle Clearly expressing your opinion Using “I” but in a non-selfish way | Abrupt
Threatening Accusing Using ‘You’ in a blaming fashion, Swearing |
| Eyes | Uncomfortable making eye contact
Looking down or away a lot | Maintaining good eye contact
Not seeking to intimidate | Staring down
Eyes bulging Trying to intimidate |
| Hand gestures | Nervous gestures
Fidgeting Hand-wriging | Openhand
gestures | Lots of pointing
Clenched hands Thumping table |
| Body Language | Inward posture
Obviously uncomfortable Hunched, self-protecting | Upright posture
Head up Using active | Forward posture
In your face Leaning Threatening |
Your inner emotions rush out through your external behaviours. This is why you need to work on your self-control as part of your attempts to become a better communicator. The critical point to note here is a positive emotions such as passion and enthusiasm are welcome, indeed essential, when trying to communicate an important message to others, so using tone and body language to reinforce what you are saying is vital at times. However, negative emotions, such as aggression, shyness or nervousness, need to be controlled because they cause you to do things with tone and body language that distract the receiver from the content of your message.
A natural starting point is to be clear on where your current areas for improvement lie; find out by soliciting feedback from others on how you communicate. Training can help, of course, but no matter how many communication seminars you attend, none of them will help you if you do not learn to control your emotions and then work hard to align your tone and all aspects of body language to reinforce your messages.
